Billie's space

Eleven Minutes - Paulo Coelho

 

 

" It is not the time that changes man, nor knowledge, the only thing that can change someone's mind is love. "

 

" I thought about love or anything called love. It seems to be to be running away from me, as if it wasn't important anymore and didn't feel welcome. But if I didn't think about love, I will be nothing. "

 

" In love no one can harm anyone else, we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. I am convinced that no one loses anyone because no one owns anyone. "

staring at the night sky, no thoughts to wonder..
feel thy heartbeat.. feel the walks around you, hear everyone's laugh, stare at someone's stranger eye.

 

another morning has come, new life has begun
excited of what may have come and brings smile for an unknown event.

 

raindrops showers to everyone, a blessing for me.
Yes, a new life it is. Someone's blog I read, a lady who loves deeply, a man who isnt worth it..

 

To Lord, I pray brings us thy courage and guide our path to such peaceful and satisfied life.

Everyone is beautiful.. aware of such saying. But dont consider myself as one, inside Im grumpy and old.

 

Sin I've commited, dont have the right to such happiness... Blaming thyself will never cease, it roots to thy heart to my life till I die..

I crave for this bed, smooth soft cotton to feel..

My eyes are heavy, my body is weak... heart is beating.. Set me free..

 

Someone gave me a tap and brings me back to reality, I hate it when I have to stop and be still for nothing..

 

To keep my eyes open..I click my inbox and view this image... But then again, i cant pretend..I need to give it a rest, pray for patience.. few minutes more... clock is ticking... its seven thirty!

 

Damn! atlast Im going home to sleep...

A - alive
B - believe in myself always
C - cruise around the world.. *my dream*
D - devoted to my family and friends
E - engage into some cruelty
F - follow my heart
G - God forgive me
H - hoping for HIM
I - initiates when no one sees
J - jealous
K - killed my only life
L - lack of trust
M - married someday.....
N - noisy =)
O - open minded 
P - playing safe
Q - quiet when hurt
R - release thy guilt
S - swears a LOT
T - temperamental
U - unique lover
V - versatile 
W - workout twice or thrice a week.
X - X-men.. i wanna be Phoenix
Y - yes.. im tougher than life..
Z - zip my lips =)

Im listening to Coldplay right now, their song reaches me in a way that I have to stop and reflect of the things I have done in my life few years back, yesterday and a minute ago..

 

I have nothing much to say, this entry has no subject at all, just an idle time for me to write what's in my mind.

 

In Coldplay's lyrics.. it says:

 

"Tell me you love me, come back and hold me"
"Running in circle, chasing the tail"
"Nobody says it would be easy, oh its such a shame for us to part"
"Nobody says it would be easy, no one ever say it would be this hard"
" I'll take me back to the start"

 

I bet this one is just as afraid as I am to move forward instead im wishing of going back from where I feel the safest.

 

Listening to Foo Fighters, this song makes me wanna fall inlove everyday.

 

"Im on your back, if you walk  out on me, im walking after you"

 

Ahhh.. damn Im so Bored. Keeps on clicking for the next song and then smiles for awhile.. memories that passes by.. Staring at the white ceiling thinking about HIM for a sec. then go back to reality... Think, think again for tomorrow's everday so called Life..

 

Just a moment there, I thought of Thanking the Lord of the blessings he have given me, every little things he made for me.. Thank you.. God's will in due time.. Ive always believe in HIM...

 

"NOvember Rain" a lover's death.. Death of what? pain? misery? betrayal? death coz of sickness? killed? or a death of loneliness? death of being alone and not loved in return? death of being used and torn apart? so much death in this world... are you in some way have your own DEATH?

 

"Till I hear it from you"... cool and laid back song.. Don't expect nor assume, be satisfied of what you have right now.. when that happiness comes, grab it.. embrace it lightly and let it go.. keep it cool til I hear it from you.... =)

 

"When I come Around".. banging my head feels so good.. feelin this song, jumpin around and get mad with no reason at all.. letting out my anger.. deep sigh.. ahh.. what a relief!

 

"Soon"... I have to wish and dream of having you to be mine Soon... Will it always be just a dream for me? Wishful Thinking... Its said and done.. Im not the only One.. but its worth Hoping for you..

 

"The Man who Sold The World".. this guy was a waste to think of getting suicide yet a legend with his song.. A real artist.. So much love to give don't even know how to handle it..

 

Checked my celfon, reading the same messages, the conversation, qoutes, song, morning greetings, chain qoutes, and lastly seeing your Name...

 

"Here is Gone".. I dont wanna spend my day thinking of the real issue .. I wanna stay in this stage of Denial..Right now.. I will keep on imagining, dreaming that things will be alright.. things will soon be good.. no more heartaches.. no more pains.. Tired of seeing her lost and alone. tired of hearing her scream.. tired of her pain.. Stay numb Billie.. start now..

not sure how strong is this feelin, but why do I have this idea that I need to stay and wait for you?...

so close of reachin you, yet so far to grab it.

i need to be free from you, selfessly.. you need to learn more, experience a lot of things, meet other people..

i have to be numb, I have to be patience. To sacrifice and see you enjoy what you are right now.

I cried to the night if you slip a day without saying "HI"

I'm afraid of you.. yes I do Love You

iv been thinkin a lot lately about everything.. and there's this tiny little problem that im havin and i cant seem to find a way how to solve it.. or let' say.. how to STOP it.

 

I have never been in this kind of situation before though iv had shares of getting involved with some complicated situation.. But this time, its guilt stricken. Why? coz i promise myself that I would do the right thing this time. To be more careful.. To take things slow.. Think before you make actions.

 

It makes me sad.. coz what im doing right now is hurting someone's feeling. Di man nia alam.. It still hurts me because I know everything.. I am the Middle..

 

I've realized my faults, my weaknesses.. Pero bakit ndi ko matigil, bat ndi ko mapigilan. I am to blame coz im weak. All this year iv build a good character but what I am now?

 

Sorry for having to hurt someone's innocent heart.

Sorry for being such a weakling.

Sorry...

 

I pray for tomorrow this will be over.. It may take awhile.. its a start.. slowly.. but I am sure this will soon be over..

 

 

 

Kiss the one you like

Kiss the one you miss

Kiss the one you Love

I kiss with my soul I have to give..

 

Such sweetness it brings

A betrayal to one innocent

Let it happen, fill in the emptiness

I close my eyes and feel that tenderness..

 

What else could have happen

A lie to one's self and righteousness

I step forward, I look into this eye

A lie that tells don't smile...

 

A kiss and a lie together

I feel I have to let go

Release myself and be alone again

Its what I chose and decided to see..

 

A kiss il always linger

A lie that I will remember

This I should learn..

Kiss and lie should not be together..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                         Middle..

 

Look at you.. look around you why are they staring?

Why? because of the way you smile and how your eyes shines?

Look at him.. you see his smile. Just the same ordinary everyday smile.

Nothing changes.. Nothing's new.. Its always been that way.

 

DO you ever pretend? Me? I dont.. well sometimes.. I am being Hypocrite.

Can you still walk, can you still run like you used to when he's there?

Yes.. I do. Coz it will always be that way..I need to remind it to myself everyday.

Touch my hand.. let my warmth touch your eyes and see where It brings you.

 

I hate you.. but you will never know it. I will stay as long as I can.

When I say good bye.. it may be hard. But I will have to go..

I have to leave you HIGH and DRY.

I have to kiss you though when i say goodbye.

 

 

bare with me.. imma just list the words that would come out of my mind.. imma turn on the music and let my mind flow with it.. here it goes..

 

Is this where I should be? and let it feel me.. I stare at you and I see nothing.

God has been kind that I reach this part of my life, I have nothing to wish but see them smile.

Do i need to sacrifice? I dont have to think nor a second of hesitation, i would gladly give.

 

Liza.. name that matters to me most.. name that I wanna beat up sometimes if i can. Name that I have loved so much but never have the strength to show. I would give up everything in me just to see her smile too.

 

Atlanta.. oh God. How i wish i can be sweet to this little girl and be a typical goody goody lovable big sister in the whole world. I guess I have the weirdiest way of showing how much I love her.. yellin at her all the time.

 

Bobby.. this is why I hate to be committed and afraid of gettin married. I hate him for everything but he doesnt feel it. I blame him for what he did but he doesnt know it. I wanna say everything how much I despise him.. instead I show him love and tenderness..show him how proud i am to have a dad like him.. Hypocrite..! yes I AM. 

 

I am hypocrite to the people I despise but Love coz i dont wanna loose them.. Instead I become NUMB and uncaring.. Soon you will see how fast I can move on and you will never see me turn my back and look at you.

 

My friends.. ahhh. this is the only time when i can be myself.. still they dont know me. Others think know the real Billie.. but theyre not. My friends..I would fight for them if someone is trying to be an A$$. Just love them for who they are.. I'll always be thankful and Il always be blessed for having them in my life.

 

My family.. Joseph, Ofel, Jp, Joy, Apol and Angel.. the kind of family that I would dream to have when Im ready..  The kind of family that is faithful, strong and the kind of love that never rots, never fades..

 

My dreams.. nothing is impossible if God permits it. I still longed for that dream. I have to trust HIM and pray for it.

 

Soulmate? Right One? do i believe that bull$Hit? yes I do. Im a hopeless romantic. Tough I may seem but yes I do believe for that Right One. It may not be the One I expect but the One i deserve. Im still wonderin where is he right now? Is he already sleepin? or just like me still awake in the middle of the night.. Thinkin about HIM (whovever he is) Is he thinkin about me too, like if he's lookin for me too.. Is he thinkin if I exist and if ever we meet.. when and where? Would we recognize that strong feelin? I hope I would know..

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes you have to just forget the rules, follow your heart

and see where it takes you.. Never apologize for saying what you feel because that's

like saying sorry for being real.. Never regret anything you said or did because at some point,

it was what you wanted.. True strength is being able to hold it all together when everyone else

expecting you to fall apart...

bottled up inside

are the words i never said

the feelings that i hide

the lines you never read

 

you can see it in my eyes

read it on my face

trapped inside are lies

of the night i cant replace.

 

with memories that i linger

wont seem to go away

why i cant be happier

today's a brand new day

 

yesterdays are over

eventhough the hurtings not

nothings lasts forever

i must cherish what ive got

 

dont take my love for granted

for soon it will be gone

all you ever wanted

of the love you thought you'd won

 

the hurt im feelin now

wont disappear overnight

but someway, somehow

everything will turn out alright.......

 

 

 

  You can only truly fall inlove with ONE person.

        And the otherS? Well, they just make your heart beat.

        You'll get to meet a lot of people but there's only ONE you'll

        fully give your heart. Sure, you'll get attracted to many.

        But what you'll have are just feelings. Whether you play around or not,

        there will only be ONE person for you in the end. It can be hard finding that person

        even harder to feel that emotion. But I've been told that it can happen... and I believe it..

 

 

 

Wish i can go back from the time i was young..

From the moment i laid eyes to the sky, wonderin what is it about Life.

Return from a simple joy, a simple reach.

Drift back the time where I sat and talk nonsense.

 

Move to the past where I cry over a candy

Where I learn to read and multipy numbers.

The time of innocence and vulnerability

Wish i can go back from the time I was carefree.

 

Closely.. anyone can see what a fool I have been

What a mess I have become

Surely..you will see how afraid I am

Yes, there was a time I never mind.

 

Wish I can go back from the time I was learning

From cheering to dancing

I remember the move i was making

It was a life i never dreamed of having

 

But time passes, present is here

Im scared of where it might bring me

Iv made a lot of faults, showed my weaknesses

Gave up my faith, drained my confidence

 

I learned to face my fate

Struggle from where I stumble

I picked up the glasses, broken from my feet

I swear never to be defeated, never to fall apart

 

I live to tell, I learned my lesson well

The truth is never far behind

If I have the chance again..

I wish to bring back my time..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love changes you.. The way you think, the way you act, the way you decide. Sometimes you even go against your principles and beliefs in life. Loving does not always mean you'll be happy. Sometimes it all provides you is Pain and Misery.. yet you are blinded by strong emotion that you fail to see the reality.. Sometimes letting go is the only answer and it hurts like HELL! But you will soon realize that its better to the person you love to be happy  with someone else than lonely with you.... It's called "Sacrifice"..